2.50pm- this is my plan

this is my plan
so far

so much stuff has come up for me during the nine weeks i spent in hospital between March and now

I am forever now
innocence lost
i am dealing with that
as best i can

memories most heinous
have resurfaced to be dealt with
but in doing so, have given me
 perspective into my thoughts, actions, words, life

in remembering the past
I have found me
unearthed me
 i see now that its not pretty
 it is just how it is

for years i have lived in fear
of what exactly , i don't know
but fear just the same
cold hard fear

i don't want answers
excuses
apologies
I need recognition
validation
only then can i move past
the past

it makes me sick
sorry
sad
but ultimately
it will make me stronger than i ever envisioned
and for that I feel gratitude

I am healing now
trying hard to find a place
where i fit in
the new me
the me that is harder, angrier, stronger
than ever before

as a Goddess I am KALI
anger, wrath, death, destruction
clearing out the debris
of my life
making room for more living
re-living

I feel Her energy around me,
whipping up a storm in my head
in my heart
that lays waste to those i protected
with my silence
with my fear

so it begins
again
this program of shedding light
on that which i have buried in the dark
no corner will ever shelter
a thief again
all thieves will be cast out
the light blinding them
into submission
into recognition
of their failures towards me

for now
I live
i work
on my own terms
in my own space

i forgive where i am able
and it surprises no one more than me
that for many i am unable to forgive

no longer do i hand out my heart
my trust
my faith
no longer do I allow trespassers on my soul
on my life
no more thieves robbing me of what is mine
oh no
no more

Lisa has left the building
the new one in her place stands tall
strong
willing to make the hard choices
take the hard yards
standing up to life's hardships
standing up for herself

my happiness lies in this
my nest
the man i love, adore
the children i have reared
protected from thieves

my real friends need no reintroduction
they have never left
they stayed with me
stood steadfast
stood vigil during my absence
during the uncertainty of my insipid  illness
and its outcome
they are standing there still
by my side
no matter how i have seemingly faulted
they never gave up on me
never ever
they know who they are
they know
as do I

so I am to teaching
what i can
what i know
on a schedule
made to suit me
I am working from my nest
drawing too
images of the Divine

I have no label
other than Lisa and Mum
and that is so freeing
so liberating
just to be me

and me is all I am
all I can be
just me
all i want to be

I am healing in my heart
healing in my soul
healing in my body
healing by myself
alone
by choice
the only way i can truly heal
is alone

gratitude is felt
for those who i love so true

I can be anything i want to be
as long as i can live
through the darkness of my memories

I have chosen to survive
so it will be
so it will be

Lisa I am
Kali  I am
standing guard against the thieves
shining light on what has been stolen