ANAMCARA

now living at:

2010-07-08T10:25:00.000+10:00

http://www.chapter47new.blogspot.com/

10.17am- Take Heart

2010-07-05T10:48:00.000+10:00

This has been one hard weekend but take heart, I have survived.

I am at peace with my choice regarding the Cottage- have heard from or spoken to my committee, who are also finding peace with the decision to close the doors.

It has been a hellish weekend for me, my mind has been like a race car track, zooming at speeds i have never encountered before; after announcing the closure, my mind automatically went into 'fix it' mode and started thinking of possible answers only to realise via a guided dream last night, that there are no answers at this stage, no solutions because in truth, there is NO PROBLEM to be fixed.

Where I am now is not the ending of a path, merely a fork in the road, and I KNOW that i will be shown direction, will be shown opportunities in the months to come that never would have surfaced if i was still running the Cottage.

This is part of my path and today, after the bloody awful weekend that was, I am embracing this gift I have been given.

I know I have been selected to teach at least for another three to five years, but at this stage, i don't know how, when or where- I don't care really, I need a break.

I know that those closest to me will remain so, no surprises there.

There is travel for me too and a book to be finished- a book about Rose Cottage I feel and the personalities i have met there over the years.

There is finally, an end to my sadness and i see this so clearly now- the sadness I have allowed to manifest into physical symptoms over the last year- I have it by the tail now.

YES

life will continue on for the Rose Cottage Faithful

we will continue to move forward because it is what we are suppose to do.

Dreams are of paramount importance right now- they are spilling the beans on futures we had never dreamt of, giving us reason and hope.

Blog regular readers will know that it was not that long ago MAY 27, i was shown a new guide Ailef, whose purpose it is to lead me through the next period of my life- i am reconnecting with her right now.

So, when all is said and done

it is time to

TAKE HEART

and to move forward.

I know we all realise that, we do.

The pain of make the decision has been replaced

by the joy of freedom and opportunity to grow.

My horrible weekend is over,

a new week begins.

Yep, Yep, Yep.

10.15am- Sunday

2010-07-04T10:41:00.000+10:00

I am really unwell today.

Pressure in my lower back and legs.
Pain in my head.

Still, my heart is clear.

I know i have done the right thing regarding Rose Cottage and the feedback I have recieved from nearly everyone is very supportive of this.

Over a very restless night i have had some inspirtation come to me regarding my future
and the paths it must take from here.

I have spoken to Todd regarding the continuation of the website- in a different form maybe, but under the Rose Cottage Banner and he is eager to help. I love Todd.

I am thinking of maybe a 'hub' for Newcastle- advertising AFFORDABLE classes, groups, get togethers etc within Newcastle.
Its just a thought for now- open to idea's.

I am thinking of asking every spiritual 'business' in Newcastle to offer one good/service/class etc BY DONATION and that good/service/class could be added to the website..........like i said. early thinking, probably nothing just yet, but will wait and see.

YES, i will continue to do mentoring- the only difference being that the monthly meeting will be held in the nest, rather than in the Cottage.

Yes, i have some very bare bones ideas.

What i would like to do is get myself back in touch with Wicca and my role as a daughter of the Goddess.
This is a personal journey, very personal and i am keeping it that way for now.
I have always been a solitare at heart.

HOM has some plans for the Cottage but nothing that will be done straight away- this takes away the rush to 'empty' the place and i can do it at a more easy pace for me.
Most of my library will end up on ebay i think, but still, it is too far away to say.
I am still in surreal land, unwilling to part with anything.

First and foremost is surviving this month, and i am pretty sure our regular groups like Tarot, Anamcara, Around the Cauldron , Tai Chi will go ahead , at least for the next couple of weeks- I will wait for confirmation from the girls but at this point i would say yes- watch this space and the website for updates. I will do my very best to get along to these groups over the next couple of weeks.

so, today, not feeling the best
but it will pass for sure
and am thinking we should have a farewell party for the Cottage..........just a thought.

Will see what happens when i am feeling better than today

Lisa x

2.06pm- its Official

2010-07-03T14:41:00.001+10:00

Yep

it is official now

the committee have been informed
and i have put notices on both the Rose Cottage website
and the Face Book page

Yes, its official.

Rose Cottage will close its doors for the last time
at the end of this month, bringing 6 years
of a very special experience
to an end

It has been a really difficult last week for me
trying to weigh up
the pro's and con's
of whether to keep slugging it out
or to give in to the fates

ofcourse the fates have won.
I notified my committee girls yesterday and today
braved the facebook page to do the same
it has been hard, i'll tell you
very emotional
very intense
but inevitably
i feel
the right choice has been made

My committee have really done the hard yards
this year
picking up the ball
and running with it with new ethusiasm
but eventually
i could see
that the writing was on the wall.

So we begin the wrap up of over six years of my life
my work
and for many of you it has been close to six years as well.

I am very emotional but yes, i know the time is right to sign off
we all know that
but it doesnt take the pain away
or the sadness i am feeling

the time is right
and I have new directions calling me
new adventures

overall, I am proud of what i have achieved
but always acknowledged that it was never really me alone
the help i have had from the Rose Cottage Community
has really been the fuel in my tank
that kept me going
but now, i just dont have what it takes to keep it going anymore
i am tired
tired

I like to think of my self as a woman of integrity
and i truly believe that spirituality
should not be a business
that sharing knowledge between sisters
should not be to make one sister richer than the other

over the years i have been challenged in this belief
and supported 100% by Marc
Spirituality and spiritual teaching
are not, should not, be seen as marketable items
and with the current trend of people thinking otherwise

I can find no peace
no place for me

My dream for Rose Cottage was always
that it would be a community of people
learning and teaching
teaching and learning
where people could be touched by the Divine
without it costing them the grocery money.

I stand by my dream
completely.

Yep, i have some hurt too
and i am working with that-
trying to work out why when i gave so much
i was then publicly debased and humiliated
by those i trusted so much.

My kids tell me that it was about that time
late last year
that i 'lost heart'
and my answer to that is that i didnt lose heart
it was just so much harder to function with a broken heart,
and broken it was
and i fear always will be in that regard.

Still, the majority of memories are wonderous and magickal
and i feel pride in myself for my achievments
for never selling out
for never putting a price on what should be given free.

Rose Cottage started as a 'by donation' community
and ends the same way.

So yes,
it is now official.

Classes will continue as normal for the next couple of weeks
before the doors close for good on the 31st.

I am sad but happy
happy but sad too

i know what i set out to do
and i have done it as best i can

Everyone who has ever walked through the door of Rose Cottage
has changed my life experience in one way or another
and for that
i am a much better
much wiser person.

Please accept my gratitude
for the part you have played in my dream

Gratitude
Gratitude
Gratitude

Blessed Be

Lisa x

10.15am- so it is

2010-07-03T10:18:00.000+10:00

a choice has been made

an outcome reached

sad, so sad

true though

it is time

yes it is

6 years of my life is enough

who knows what will happen next ?

who knows...

10.42am- faith and the cosmic tumblers

2010-07-02T10:56:00.000+10:00

Yesterday,
i sat with my friend Michelle
in a cafe run by a short man
who loves Michelle
and next to us
at the other table
sat two young guys
about 20-25 years old
heartily chowing into a delicious big brekkie each

something about them caught my eye
as they finished eating
and then
both pulled out bibles
old bibles
and started reading to each other
quietly
in amongst the hustle and bustle of an inner city cafe
they read
laughed
and discussed
what they had read together
and then
they
prayed together
prayed
in the cafe
at the table
next to us.

I watched,
transfixed by the faith
the devotion
the pure, simple joy
these two young men took
in their faith.

I watched
the beauty of it
of faith
unquestioned
as the cosmic tumblers in Lisa's universe
went click, click, click
telling me
that my faith
didnt need a setting
didnt need a label
didnt cost more than a morning spent with a friend
and the charge of a big brekkie

click
click
click
how beautiful
is the faith
that can be practised
anywhere
at anytime
by anyone
by me

I watched these boys
faith in motion
beautiful
and I knew
that I
would always be okay
always be guided
always would be supported

click
click
click
the answers fell into my lap
gratitude
yes
label-less
unpaid for
un prepared
faith

click
click
click

12.48pm- tears

2010-07-01T12:55:00.000+10:00

cant stop crying
this is part of the healing i am told
am so angry too
angry at the world
angry at nearly everyone

i wish i could feel again without the hurt
i wish i could console you in your pain
but i cant
i am struggling here with my own pain
stuggling to be fair to all

i am going to sleep now
i know i shouldnt but i am
exhaustion makes this all a bit too much
I need to close it off for a minute

worrying about the cottage
the stress it is under
knowing that it needs a mothers love
and i am dry, devoid of that for now

mind me not
i am overwhelmed with my life
with my loss
with my own world of hurt

the wind will blow
and i will change again
i know that
i know it

thank you Michelle
for allow my anger to be heard
for allowing my loss to be recognised and validated
for allowing me a glimpse of the world without pain
for getting Dimitri to serve us
xxx

2.50pm- this is my plan

2010-06-30T15:26:00.000+10:00

this is my plan
so far

so much stuff has come up for me during the nine weeks i spent in hospital between March and now

I am forever now
innocence lost
i am dealing with that
as best i can

memories most heinous
have resurfaced to be dealt with
but in doing so, have given me
perspective into my thoughts, actions, words, life

in remembering the past
I have found me
unearthed me
i see now that its not pretty
it is just how it is

for years i have lived in fear
of what exactly , i don't know
but fear just the same
cold hard fear

i don't want answers
excuses
apologies
I need recognition
validation
only then can i move past
the past

it makes me sick
sorry
sad
but ultimately
it will make me stronger than i ever envisioned
and for that I feel gratitude

I am healing now
trying hard to find a place
where i fit in
the new me
the me that is harder, angrier, stronger
than ever before

as a Goddess I am KALI
anger, wrath, death, destruction
clearing out the debris
of my life
making room for more living
re-living

I feel Her energy around me,
whipping up a storm in my head
in my heart
that lays waste to those i protected
with my silence
with my fear

so it begins
again
this program of shedding light
on that which i have buried in the dark
no corner will ever shelter
a thief again
all thieves will be cast out
the light blinding them
into submission
into recognition
of their failures towards me

for now
I live
i work
on my own terms
in my own space

i forgive where i am able
and it surprises no one more than me
that for many i am unable to forgive

no longer do i hand out my heart
my trust
my faith
no longer do I allow trespassers on my soul
on my life
no more thieves robbing me of what is mine
oh no
no more

Lisa has left the building
the new one in her place stands tall
strong
willing to make the hard choices
take the hard yards
standing up to life's hardships
standing up for herself

my happiness lies in this
my nest
the man i love, adore
the children i have reared
protected from thieves

my real friends need no reintroduction
they have never left
they stayed with me
stood steadfast
stood vigil during my absence
during the uncertainty of my insipid illness
and its outcome
they are standing there still
by my side
no matter how i have seemingly faulted
they never gave up on me
never ever
they know who they are
they know
as do I

so I am to teaching
what i can
what i know
on a schedule
made to suit me
I am working from my nest
drawing too
images of the Divine

I have no label
other than Lisa and Mum
and that is so freeing
so liberating
just to be me

and me is all I am
all I can be
just me
all i want to be

I am healing in my heart
healing in my soul
healing in my body
healing by myself
alone
by choice
the only way i can truly heal
is alone

gratitude is felt
for those who i love so true

I can be anything i want to be
as long as i can live
through the darkness of my memories

I have chosen to survive
so it will be
so it will be

Lisa I am
Kali I am
standing guard against the thieves
shining light on what has been stolen

12.16pm- LANI- cancelled

2010-06-30T12:18:00.000+10:00

Please pass around....

Lani, our guest speaker for tonight has had to cancel due to ill health.

There will be NO Around the Cauldron tonight.

7.15pm - the Latest Offering

2010-06-29T19:28:00.000+10:00

Life Force

1.04pm - headache and gratitude

2010-06-29T13:21:00.000+10:00

so tired,
headache too
but over all
pretty damn fine

my mentoring is going at great pace
i am touched and honoured by those who have entrusted me with their learning
it will keep me busy with out the need to talk too much

filled in for Wendy this morning with her tarot circle
they are a great bunch
and there was laughter aplenty

tidying up the horrific nest right now
and keeping my recently shorn poodle warm

life is SO good at the moment
as I push my way back to full strength

have realised how sick i have been
that it has been about two years since i have really felt good
and how blessed i am to have had friends stand by me during that period
because it was as much a test for them as it was for me
and i know that
i do
i hope they do too

my team of medical professionals
have given me many coping strategies
to help me deal with the hard stuff i cannot seem to avoid
i am in gratitude for lessons learned
and new friendships made

so
its cold
but i have a fire going
a warm house to live in
I have friends who love me just the way i am
and strength to move forward that even surprises me

the greatest lesson i have learned in the last two years
is about friendship
real friendship
the true value of a friend who sticks it out with you
no matter what

i have no bad feelings
no regrets
surprisingly, nothing about the last two years of my life that i would change
nothing
it all served a purpose
and that purpose i feel
was to get me here
now
to this place where i am
stronger than before
and ready to scale mountains

loving my work once again
loving my life

no, i wouldn't change a thing

i have found peace being who I am
where I am
being well again

smiling is me xx

4.06pm - things are exciting

2010-06-28T16:09:00.000+10:00

at rose cottage.......we have so much coming up !

Lani on Wednesday night, a Strega workshop, a teen witch workshop, spiritual mentoring, A witches kitchen- woo hoo...............

as well as all the regulars like Tarot, Anamcara, Around the Cauldron. Tai Chi......woo hoo

it all feels so good !

10.12am- spiritually speaking

2010-06-28T10:33:00.000+10:00

I have a central core belief that allows me to still call myself 'spiritual', however, i find the minutia of it all a bit underwhelming these days.

I object to labels, titles etc within spirituality, I object to dogma.

I really believe that no two people can believe in the same way- that God/Goddess/whatever speaks to us all in different ways, and we respond to that difference.

i feel that the only way to know the Divine source is to live with it in your heart, and that this is not always possible because it challenges us so.

I know that my friends, know i am their friend and don't need reassurance every step of the way- if you are in my life it is because i want you in my life.

I try hard to speak with truth but often have stumbled out of fear of hurting someone I care about- this is just me and something i am working on, making huge steps on.

There is no one friend in my life that i cannot live without- this may seem harsh but is true , for me and for you- we come into this world alone and leave alone- dependence in life is not a strength.

if i ignore you, it is usually because what i have to say to you will cause you pain and i struggle with that............i tend to stick to 'if you cant say something nice, don't say anything at all'

i do find that certain people always want to pull me down- i believe we all have people like that in our lives- 'eternal grounders' I call them- they sense when you are flying high and then pull you back down to earth because only when you are grounded can they deal with you, which is sad but true.

Spiritually speaking, i think the challenges in our life are sent to help us grow- still, i feel like i would dearly love a couple of months of being unchallenged.

This is just stuff, ramblings of my brain the beautiful Monday morning.....trying to filter through the minutia of the last few months.

I really miss my FIL and it still catches me by surprise to realise he is gone. It is so unbelievable to me, so very sad.

My medication is working very well but i need to cut back the dosage a little because the current dosage i am on is making me too sleepy during the day, affecting my breathing and speech.

I miss my Cottage girls and will do my best to get over and catch up in the next few weeks.

I am wearing tights and DOM has bought me PODS, which is why i need tights in the first place.

Wide, I am........yes...........

and stronger than i have ever been.

Blinkers are off now, for good.

Lisa xx

8.26am- as above, so below

2010-06-28T09:31:00.000+10:00

11.19am- dancing on the inside

2010-06-27T11:28:00.000+10:00

yep, feeling pretty okay
have had MIL with me over the weekend
was sad to see her go
hating to think of her alone in her house
will see how she copes as time goes by

am touched by how many want to mentor with me
i am offering advanced and beginners stuff
mostly online work with a meeting once a month
am guided to do this
and it feels right

am also culling
weeding out those people, places, thoughts, beliefs, situations, that drain me
who's demands drain me

this is hard to do
we all have people
and thoughts that tie us to the negative
and I am being to cut them free

being told by psychologist of mine
who tells me
i hurt so much
because i try to care for so many

true spirituality is about the ONE
believing that each of us is the master of our own destiny
i do believe that

so, i am home today but very busy
HOM of mine back this afternoon
will do some drawings
love me just a little

yep, sounds like a plan

watch me dance , see me move, but dont cut in or i will remove

Lisa x

952am- another two

2010-06-25T10:20:00.000+10:00

seeing red and early

abstract, freehand, ink drawings

today looms

lots to do

huge

MIL is my main project today

HOM is a hockey player this weekend

he had sadness in his eyes that i cant touch

so do i this morning

thank you to everyone who contacted me regarding my offer to mentor them upon their spiritual journey

i have one space left

woo hoo

trying to figure out how i can be productive in the Cottage without compromising my spiritual beliefs the way they are now-

interesting

late nights on the lounge with Mark Harmon and the NCIS team

leave Lisa with red eyes

hence the 'seeing red' drawing above

tired, yep........

9.52am - busy bee am I

2010-06-24T10:24:00.000+10:00

very
very
Marc's new car needs to be picked up
No, we are not rich merely deeper in debt
but what can you do
when your homie needs new wheels ?

Tasmanian visitors

am half way through designing my own set of intuitve reading cards
my dreams have told me i need 45
and am up to 24

i need to shower and go out
i need to do this now

but still i sit and blog..................

Mentoring
Hi all,
I am now accepting students who are wishing to be mentored upon their journey.
I am asking that only people willing to go the course of a year and a day NO MATTER WHAT need apply.
Each course will be individually programmed, notes emailed out, homework a plenty and a monthly two- three hour meeting that is compulsary.
I am offering this service free or by donation.
First intake is limited to 5 people who have a basic understanding of spiritual concepts.
Please understand that this is NOT YAAD and that i will require you to make a committment to me of a year and a day.
Please let me know asap.

Lisa xx

12.51pm- times, they are a changin'

2010-06-23T13:02:00.000+10:00

Times most certainly are changing.

The house has a stank about it that only comes from 3 weeks of Mummy being gone.

My poor little MIL cries alot.

I no longer think that 82 is a 'good innings'.

I now wear flat, slip on , old italian lady scuffs.

Family is foremost.

Drawings come easy to me but only I can see the real meaning, or, I should say, my real meaning- you will see your own.

Drugs for depression are only half the treatment; someone who listens without judgement is the other half.

Times, they are a changin'

Tears flow easy and my hair is long ( ish)

Old friends and old not friends can find you on facebook

the date yesterday was 22/6 and marks 27 years of being together with Marc.....

weight continues to fall- this is good, this is very good

for the first time in about 10 years i actually feel like going for a walk

i am thinking of ways to earn some money, keep the cottage going and be useful without compromising me

i have had it with some people
and not had it with others

the door is open
I am Glen 20-ing the stank

Pop Ins of a positive nature are welcome, always.

Family business today, tonight, this weekend................

thinking of ideas to be productive at Rose Cottage

yes

times, they are a changin'

8.58am- drawings that make me think

2010-06-23T12:35:00.000+10:00

all drawings by me- free handed, abstract in ink.

8.44pm- Crisis of Faith

2010-06-22T21:19:00.000+10:00

Faith.
And how can three weeks blow it clear out of the water?

Three weeks
and the changes in my life are so overwhelming, so large and monstorous, that i dont know if i will cope.
I will try.

Life has changed completely.

For me, i am facing down a path that holds no secrets for me, I am pacing the corridors of my mind seeking answers to questions long since lost.

My personal growth over the last few weeks has been immense and i dont know where to start to explain the turmoil i find my self in.

Basically, in the last few weeks, i feel that my faith has let me down in some way- i have looked to it for solance and found only empty words, empty promises. I have tried hard to reason my feelings but i come up nil.
I feel very alone right now.

The box of memories i kept hidden in the dark recesses of my mind, has sprung open, letting lose all its horrific contents- everything i worked so hard to reason, to logic.

I have found out with absolute certainty that logical reasoning does not equate emotional healing, as so now i am left facing the gaping hole left in my life- applying bandaid over band aid in an attempt to stem the flow of a wound now open and flowing freely.

Life has thrown me a curly one for sure and I just dont know how i will come out of this, i really dont.

I am home now, medicated and counselled but in honesty i know the rest is up to me, and me alone.

My journey from here needs to be alone i think.
I think.

Johnny.
Sadness still at the loss of FIL- sadness i feel that will never really disipate- i will work to find a place for it under my bed- the pain, the sadness- a turning point in my life.

Medication wise i am better than ever- thinking clearly, finding energy, losing weight.
Speech is wonderful, clear and consise.

Three weeks and my world has turned upside down.
Three weeks and the the ball of twine that is my faith has unravelled before my eyes.

Faith is suppose to offer support, explanation but I find it lacking, severly.

Thinking about running away but knowing it will come with me- i can no longer escape the little girl inside- she is stamping her foot and demanding retribution- she is crying out for answers, and I am the one responsible for answering them.
I have denied her for too long.

So where do i go from here ?

I have no real idea.

I have spent the last 10+ years in service to others and now the tide has turned and i need to spend the next ten at least, in service to those i love the most, those who need me the most at this time of their lives.
My Parents.
Marc's mother.

I need to soothe the crying of this wounded child i carry in my heart and give her voice at last.

I have a long way to go, and every step will hurt like hell, i know this for a fact but i also know that if i dont do this i will die incomplete, will die in denial.

Life for now bounces me around.
I have pain and hurt that needs to be addressed, no longer can be denied and i worry about my faith in tatters.

Riddles maybe but life is just as it is right now.
Unjust, Unfair.

Where do i go from here ?

Hand drawn by me- 'the secrets we keep'- image from a magazine advertisment.

256pm- life tribute

2010-06-18T15:03:00.001+10:00

A life tribute for

Giovanni Ballico

Part One

On behalf of the Ballico family, I would like to thank you all for attending today’s celebration of Johnny’s life.

Due to time restraints much has been omitted from the following Life Tribute, but I believe you will get the picture I am hoping to convey.

Honestly, I could talk about Johnny for hours, but at this time and place and with the emotions churning away inside, I have decided to keep it short-ish, respectful and light.

You all knew Johnny and you all have wonderful memories of this beautiful man- the fact that you are all here today is testament to his loving, loyal personality.

Please treasure your memories and share them with us and with each other today.

There is no reason to deny that this has been a tremendously hard week for us at Team Ballico; our patriarch has left the building and it’s fair to say we are all floundering under the awesome weight of grief and shock.

However, today sees me fulfilling a promise made to my Father in law almost 20 years ago when he asked me to stand up at his funeral for him. He was concerned that Junie, Nick and Marc wouldn’t be able to do it and he didn’t want them to have to worry.

That was Johnny- ever concerned about his family and how they would fare in his absence.

So today, I am proud to honour that promise with the following Life Tribute to a very special man.

I dearly love you Father in Law of mine.

Part Two

Johnny Ballico was a wonderful man.

He was soft, gentle, kind and humble.

He was social, funny and always had a special twinkle in his eye.

So proud of his two sons.

So in love with his wife June-

So happy with their life together.

John Ballico was a man of integrity.

He loved life, loved his family, his friends, his garden; he loved to socialize, enjoyed a beer or three and really, really, loved to have his photo taken.

Luckily we have our Kristy, who really, really loves to take photos, to balance him out a bit.

A man of simple pleasures and tastes- all was well in the world of Johnny, as long as ‘his boys’ were happy and healthy, his grand children thriving, the BBQ working and the Rec club’s courtesy bus running on time.

Part Three

Johnny was born Giovanni Dino Ballico in St Etienne, France on the 6th February 1928.

He was the second child and first son of Catterina and Francesco Ballico- a younger brother to his sister Rena.

The Ballico’s moved from France to Italy in 1934 when little Giovanni was a mere 6 years old.

He often told us of the cruel taunts he received at school upon returning to live in Italy.

The other kids hearing his French accent and noticing his struggle with the Italian language gleefully nicknamed him ‘frog’ or ‘froggy’ and picked on him without mercy.

We all know that kids can be cruel for sure, but in so many ways I feel this early taunting helped shape him into the man he turned out to be; he was always very aware of the power of negative words, very aware of the pain of being hurt at such an early age.

These early experiences helped to shape a man who was protective of his own, sensitive to the pain of others , joyful and grateful for the quieter moments of life.

Johnny was just a lad of about 13 when the need to work and earn money for his family overcame his need for higher education.

From the age of 13, LIFE was to become the greatest source of learning for young Giovanni.

He grasped it with both hands.

Working as a farm hand on properties within his home village, riding his bicycle from farm to farm, filled in a couple of years before his father Francesco decided his only son should follow him to Belgium, where young Giovanni was to work along side his father in the underground mines.

While this sounded good in theory, the reality was somewhat different. Johnny was just not meant to work in the mines, despite his fathers protests otherwise.

One day, his simply boarded a train that was homeward bound and headed back home to his Mother’s home on the outskirts of Vecenzia .

Catterina took one look at her AWOL son and gave him some serious advice “hide, before your father catches you!”

Johnny was always particularly proud of his term in the Italian National Service- he loved to show his photo of the young Giovanni in full military garb to anyone who would stand still long enough to see it.

He was indeed, quite a looker….

After the mandatory 12 months in the National Service, he returned to labouring work in and about his home village and in 1952, he and three friends, prompted by advertisements distributed around town, decided to take the plunge and travel to Australia for work and a new exciting life.

The lure of continuous work, money and a sunny climate was potent indeed.

My own father Bruno arrived out here a few years later.

The trip, which was one way, saw the four young men on board a ship for over five weeks. It was to be 15 years before Johnny returned to his home in Italy.

Upon arriving in OZ he lived awhile with fellow ‘new Australians’ in the government run ‘migrant camps’ in Griffith, NSW.

After a short period of time, he decided that he would follow one of his cousins to Tasmania where he would find work with the Tasmanian Hydro Electric Scheme.

It was a decision that would alter his life for ever.

The Tasmanian Hydro Electric Scheme was employing able bodied, hard working young immigrants and so Tasmania became the place of choice for young Giovanni.

And it’s lucky for us it did.

Part Four

Johnny and June met at a dance in Launceston in 1953.

The beautiful, red headed, Miss Rice, at age 20, completely won his heart.

I recall him telling me about how beautiful he thought his Junie was.

“She was so beautiful, everyone looked at her but she was looking at me” he would explain with a twinkle in his eye.

Simple words that so powerfully explain the beginning of a love that was to survive 57 years-53 of which were spent as man & wife.

One thing never, ever changed about Johnny- June was indeed the love of his life and when he loved, he loved completely.

Those of us fortunate enough to experience his love will understand the truth in that statement.

‘Till death do us part’ and it has taken the events of this week to prove this true.

I have searched hard for words adequate to describe the relationship that saw June and Johnny bring into the world two sons, five grandchildren and one great- grandchild and you know what?

I can’t.

The beauty of Johnny’s total love for his wife and family is, was and always will be unique and undefinable.

From the Saturday night dances at Launceston in the early 50’s to the Rec Club’s mini shuttle bus in 2010- the union of young Giovanni and his beautiful red headed bride has weathered all storms in many ports and I live in awe of them, their commitment, their love.

To steal a line from Tom Cruise- Junie really did ‘complete’ Johnny.

Their very real 57 year relationship has touched us all in some way at sometime.

“Till death do us part” they say ; I think death has its work cut out for it.

Part Five

So, back briefly to our intrepid traveller- travelling half a world away from home to find the work he needed, make some money and quite unexpectantly, to meet the love of his life.

When work in Tassie dried up it led young Giovanni to once again move in search of employment.

Newcastle, NSW was the destination of choice- the SteelWorks the place of employ.

Johnny and June married in 1957 and settled into Newcastle for the long haul.

First son Nicholas entered the picture in October 1959, followed three years later by Marc in November 1962.

So began the era of “my boys”

Better parents could no child ask for.

I’m sure that Johnny was an early model of what we now call ‘helicopter parents’ - that is, parents who love to hover over their children.

I, ofcourse never got to witness the wonder of Junie and Johnny as parents of young children but I imagine that for sure, some of you here today certainly did.

I did however, have the joy of watching them go from helicopter parents to helicopter grandparents and I truly believe the love and respect they have inspired in their grandchildren is remarkable in this day and age.

Johnny as a husband, as a father, as a father in law, as a grand father and great grand father- these are the roles he was meant to play.

His two boys; the light of his life.

Nick and Marc are, I feel, the greatest testimony to the man Johnny was.

I share the pain they are feeling this week- I have seen it with my own two eyes.

Seen it, because both boys have inherited their father’s gentle heart, his inner strength, his strong work ethic, his integrity.

Johnny told me once and I quote

“Look at ‘my boys’ Lisa, look at them- six feet tall, strong as horses, what more could a man want- my boys, my beautiful boys”

He meant every word- as a father and a male role model, he was rated an A+; a man who gave with all his heart.

I see Johnny in both Nick and Marc in a way that is far more than physical- they seem to have inherited his ‘essence’- his loyalty, and gentleness.

There is the old saying that runs true here- ‘Johnny will never be truly gone while Nick and Marc are still around’

Part Six

Johnny retired from the BHP in 1990- he was so proud of the 33 years he had put in there and continued to meet with old workmates every year to reminisce.

As was his way, he kept busy working at home, doing odd jobs and even housework, occasionally going to work with ‘his boys’ to ‘lend a hand’.

How he loved to feel useful

After retirement he became an even more hands on grandfather, becoming more and more involved with his grandkids as they grew.

I wish I could tell you just how much he is loved by his grandkids- how proud I am to carry his name, to be married to his son, to be the mother of two of the five kids he loved so much, and Aunty to the other three.

I never thought he would leave us and I am glad I told him I loved him so often.

On a lighter note, I am going to share with you a couple of what I refer to as ‘Johnny-isms’- little statements that can encapsulate Johnny more than I could ever hope to.

No one could ever make the same impact as Johnny with his little life observations.

Please bear in mind that these statements were made in all seriousness……….really…….

These are things I remember……

About Kristy

‘my god, I love that kid, I love her- she always makes me laugh- a good girl- oh dear oh dear…………..’

Kristy, Pop loved you.

About Prue

‘if anyone ever lays one finger on that little girl, my god, I’ll kill them’

Prue, Poppy had your back.

About Jason

‘He makes me laugh that one, but he’s a little bit cheeky- but that’s okay- he’s a boy’

Jason- you are excused from everything, for ever, because of your gender- my advice is to ‘go wild’ honey.

About Joshua
‘Lisa, do you see how beautiful this kid is? Do you ???? And smart too, just like his Poppy’

Well there you have it Josh- beautiful, smart and like Poppy- what more could you want? I guess my IQ of 161 doesn’t come into play here.

About Caitlyn

‘You know, she looks just like me, only different’

Well, yeah………I think the blonde hair and the fact you are a girl might be part of the difference Caitlyn.

BTW- you are not excused from being cheeky, being a girl and all………

About Ruby

“She’s busy- she makes me run- oh my leg, heavens above”

Yep Ruby, being 3 is usually busy and fast paced……..

Ahh Johnny- How blessed we have all been.

Though he filled out his lotto forms religiously, Johnny really did understand that true wealth has nothing to do with money.

Part Seven

Well, we are moving close to the end of this eulogy and there are a few things I just want to say in conclusion.

Over the last 6 months we have watched our beloved Johnny start to slow down just a little.

A gradual process, like a dimmer switch on a light- slowly but surely the aches have been a bit sorer, the cold weather a bit chillier, the garden work seeming a bit bigger, a bit more work than usual.

Now I realise that over the last few months we have watched our darling Johnny start to wind down.

It’s near impossible to pin point an exact time when the change occurred but if I was to hazard a guess, I would say that to me, Johnny seemed to go down a gear or two when he lost his dearest friend, Eric Long, earlier this year.

Johnny and Eric had been close friends for the longest time- infact, Eric and his wife Enid are much more than family friends, they are family to us.

With June’s family so far away and Johnny’s Italian family long since gone- Enid & Eric have provided June Johnny with a relationship akin to family.

Enid is indeed like a sister to June and Eric so much like a brother to Johnny that it is understandable that the pain of losing him, was enough to slow Johnny down.

Something undefinable happened in this last few months, the sparkle in my father in law’s eyes just seemed to fade a little bit.

I know how badly he missed Mr Long, how it hurt to lose his best friend.

Sad ?

Yes

But also, in some stranger than strange way-I feel a lot of comfort in knowing that where ever Johnny is right now, he is not alone, but rather, he is back in the company of his dear mate Eric.

The bonds of true friendship never break- sometimes they just have to stretch a little further.

Well, Im sure I have fulfilled my promise to Johnny by now and so I will sign off with this parting thought.

Our family, team Ballico, has really taken a huge blow this week.

We are sad beyond all comprehension.

Shocked, numb.

We are all feeling a little bit fragile, a bit lost at sea and the shock is something I can’t explain.

Our bubble has been burst, reality has stormed our doors.

However, we are united in our grief, united in our loss, united in our support of June.

I am, a true believer in grief being expressed, in grief being a way of honouring the life of someone we have lost.

So please, today, share your memories of this wonderful, gentle- man and don’t hold back on the tears- Johnny never did.

Take the gift of love away with you from this service;

Please tell the people you love that you love them, or make a phone call to a long lost friend and extend the hand of friendship.

Life really is too short to dwell in the minutia.

It is our grief that honours the life of those we have loved and lost.

I love you daddy- in- law, I hope I told you that enough.

I am finding it hard to believe that I will never hear you call me ‘lisa my lisa’ again- I will miss it so much.

I am so proud to be your daughter in law.

Please enjoy our photo presentation and thank you again from all of us Ballico’s.

We feel honoured by your presence here today.

Lisa Ballico

18th June 2010

2.28pm- sad stuff

2010-06-17T14:42:00.000+10:00

I am still in hospital, being discharged next Tuesday i think.

Marc's father passed away very suddenly this week- we are devastated beyond all belief- the funeral is tomorrow .

funeral notice for Johnny

Sadness permeates my bones and soul
The loss of a man i adore
My husbands father
my children's 'POP'
my darling daddy-in-law

Dear Johnny,
I will cry for you on Saturday- now is just too hard
a eulogy to prepare and deliver
with Kristy by my side
my darling niece
what a woman she has become
we will do you proud
i promise

Lisa my Lisa xxx

10.41am- popping in

2010-06-12T10:55:00.000+10:00

home to do some washing and play with my kids a bit.......

home for good in the next week sometime

thank you all for respecting my wishes regrading pop in's

i have had to face some extremely unpleasant demons

and had to do it on my own

needed too

see you all on the flip side xxx

118pm- surviving Monday

2010-05-31T13:26:00.000+10:00

Well, i have so far.

Tai Chi is wonderful and relaxing and I feel so blessed to be learning it.
My psychologist, Lisa, is also wonderful- fully equipped with sketch paper and coloured pens to help get points across.

My darling Dr, Phillipa is, as you well know, wonderful x 45698569 and i will see her in the morning to see if i really do need to go back into Lingard.

The Lingard team teach you to seek assistance before you reach crisis point and so that is why i am so on the ball about this- i would rather have a voluntary admission than a crisis one- still, i will see what the Dr says tomorrow.

SOM is home playing chicken invaders and I am about to tackle a kitchen that looks like a footy team has lunched there.

Learning about cycles, wondering about life.
Needing sleep.

Yep, thats me done for now

Lisa x

7.53am- on the move

2010-05-31T07:59:00.000+10:00

everything is moving today
body mind and soul
am on no sleep again
and will talk with dr as to how to remedy this
maybe another hospital visit to work out night time meds is needed
whatever
i am so tired
i can hardly see straight
still
not sleeping through the day
which was the only way i managed the sleepless nights before
i dont know
i dont know
got to go
SOM has missed the bus

1.44pm- times, they are a changin'

2010-05-30T14:26:00.000+10:00

Yep, time to catch up, make some changes, realign with purpose and stretch barriers.

Time to move forward, restore balance and stretch wings.

Time to grow, walk, run past the comfort zones and into the wide open space that life offers.

Time to feed the soul and not the body, time to be the truth, live the truth, walk the talk.

It's just time.

I have been so distressed of late to hear some less than nice things that have been said about me, about my Cottage and it's participants and most worryingly, about my family.

A light has been shined on some issues i would rather have stayed in the dark, however my 'friend' the 'anonymous emailer', felt i needed to know just what is being said and done behind my back.

I have news for the 'anonymous' emailer.

I don't need to know.
I don't want to know.
You have done nothing but upset me.

I am NOT stupid- i already know /knew most of what you told me- in fact i feel as though every negative word said about me and the Cottage has got back to me one way or another- i am dealing with it every single day.

I don't need so called 'friends' who wont even sign their names to an email, to report to me about unkind words and deeds..........about Spells even, that have been done to 'shut me down'

I repeat, I am not stupid - I already KNOW and i don't need to know again.

So much of what you told me is lies- complete lies and if your aim was to enlighten me then you have failed.
Indeed, i believe your aim was to hurt me and in this you have had much more success.
Yes, i am deeply hurt.
Again.
I am also very strong and surrounded by friends and love- in this i am blessed threefold.

To those of you who are the masters of the negativity- the cruel lies, the vicious slurs, the unethical use of spellcraft, let you be aware, that there is a rat amongst your ranks.
A rat who uses a fake email address to send me anonymous emails.
I hope you find out who it is- they are no friend to you either.

Lisa x

1121am- ok

2010-05-30T11:26:00.000+10:00

sunday
house is a mess
last night at Jen's was nice
funny
HOM is indeed broken but not beyond repair
just beyond hockey for now
he is home
safe and sound
i am not sleeping
all over the place but coping
expecting a tornedo
apparently
so it goes on
Sunday
all day

4.53am- early

2010-05-29T04:54:00.000+10:00

awake
panic attack
subsiding now
going back to bed
awful

328pm- karma- my thoughts

2010-05-28T15:37:00.000+10:00

If i could replace the word KARMA with any other word, the word i would use would be BALANCE.

not REWARD
not PUNISHMENT

BALANCE

Karma is, I believe, the universes ways of keeping balance in a world that all too often suffers with less or more.

'an eye for an eye' as referred to in the good book, is not literal ( as i'm sure you would know) but more a way of stating that this world works best when the scales are balanced.

KARMA is just energy- it is not fueled by hate nor love, revenge or reward merely by a world where nature does indeed abhor a vaccuum , and when finding one, seeks to restore balance.

What you put out WILL come back.

Bet on it.

Lisa xx

10.49am- a shift in realities

2010-05-27T11:50:00.000+10:00

In hospital they taught me things like not absorbing blame for the actions of others and letting my anger go in natural ways that would soothe me rather than infurate me.

On the overall scale, i have very little to be angry about, very little blame to absorb yet still i do it occasionally.

Writing is a healthy way to vent, arguing is not.

I am tired and the holes in my swiss cheese floor seem a little wider today- on my scale of white, grey, black I am certainly 'grey to black' today.............my night time sleeping has been interupted over the last week, which leaves me awakening tired instead of refreshed.

Overall, it is clear to me i have some choices to make ( and NO, this is not about the Cottage), some truths to face and some blame to give back to its rightful owner.

The feelings i have around certain issues can not be called anger, more a frustrated sort of sadness and a sense of injustice and resignation; i am working with resolving those issues to my satisfaction at the present time.

The wrong thing was done to me and no matter how you phrase it, word it, shape it or analyse it, the truth of it will always come through, that being, that i accepted blame for something that was not, is not my fault and now i know it, see it clearly.

The wrong thing was done TO ME, not by me and the person i most needed to convince of this was myself.

I couldnt do this work while in hospital because a hospital environment is not the place for deep, inner work.

Being home and somewhat back at my normal activities has given me the space i need to really look hard at certain situations and relationships and to correctly assess their impact on me and mine.

The truth is that everyone around me could see so clearly what i failed to see but i can assure you that i am living with both eyes open now- painful as it is at times.

So yes, I am working through some stuff, deep stuff and it is leading me to a greater understanding of me and my actions.

I dont know what i believe in anymore really other than i do believe that humanity is born with an inherent sense of right and wrong.

I believe that there is a Divine Power or Energy and that we are born with a list of lessons to learn and the free will to manoveur ourselves into positions to learn them.

I beleive the universe responds to positive with more positive and to negetive with more negetive.

I believe that human beings are reactionary animals and that learning to stop before reacting is top of many lessons lists.

I dont actually believe i am loved by any supreme power or that my day to day actions are of any interest to that power- these days i tend to think that only when i leave here will my journey be of importance to the higher power/s- that a life from birth to death and what it achieves are what matters, not the mundane bits that make up our daily existance here on home planet.

Having stated that belief, it follows that we must all work as hard as we can to 'make a difference' while we are here but how we do that is up to us.

I have a new guide- a female energy named AILEF.
She has stepped forward as my main guide over the next period of my life- the term 'guide' may be misleading because my 'guides' seldom guide me, moreover, they drop inspiration on occasion and answer questions if they deem it pertinent, which they seldom do. I just use the word 'guide' because it suits me.

From here on in my goal is to become as close to one as i can with the earth and her seasons, her flows, tides, rhythm's and with the bodies that influence her, being the moon and the sun.

I am done with trying to help individual people master their personal lessons lists( i have my own to contend with) done with trying to help people who wont help themselves or who repeatedly make the wrong choices for themselves, done with taking the blame for the actions of others.

I will ALWAYS be there, here, for people going through transition periods and for people who are willing to help themselves.

Bottom line is, i have moved past the earthly minutea and all it entails and the reason i have felt that i have no direction is because in truth, there is no direction, there is no right way or wrong way, there just is now and making your life count, not just making your day count.

I will make it easier for myself ( as you can ) by working with the earth not against it, by trying to stay positive therefore atracting more of the same, by making my life count.

The day to day stuff is mine to deal with, the life time stuff belongs to the divine.

Where or if WE as individuals fit into the overall scheme of things on a divine level is any ones guess

I will surround myself with people i love and i will love me as well.

I will respect the energies of this earth and respect the interpretation of them that you see as the right fit for you.

Huge growth and greater understanding.
The faith i have is faith in myself and my understanding of the grand plan.

Lisa x

1.25pm- blinkers off

2010-05-26T13:35:00.000+10:00

now i know the truth

thats it's been you all the time

the trouble and the pain

you, all the time

now i know whats what

who said what to whom

and it all comes back to you

like it has

all the time

now i know the truth

that for years

i tried in vain

to share with you my joy

my life and my pain

but you never let me in

never opened up your heart

and now i know the truth

that it's been you from the start

i'm not angry

im not sad

i'm not adding fuel to fire

the truth has been revealed

so from this i retire

just watch your back my friend

for karma is a bitch

for now i know whats what

and who and how and which.

nobel lawson Feb 2010

9.06am- reality

2010-05-26T09:11:00.000+10:00

The rain wont stop and my poor dryer has it's tounge hanging out with exhaustion.
Busy today.
Met psycologist yesterday- an inaudible, undefinable but very real 'click'- i like her alot.
Groups today.
I need to shower and put on my awake face.
Struggling a bit with it all.
Yep.

10.54am- today

2010-05-24T10:57:00.000+10:00

funeral
sadness
far too sad
my poor son
three girls left motherless
far too sad
i am going to sleep for a while now
sleep away the pain
and the tears
my darling boy
sad
am I
far too sad

12.12pm- Me, an update

2010-05-23T12:40:00.000+10:00

I think I am doing OK.

Medications seem to be working well-keeping me from falling through the holes in my florr made of swiss cheese.
I am sleeping all night except for nights when nightmare interupts the flow.
Staying awake all day too but i admit, this is hard and doesnt seem to be getting any easier. Most days I really, really have to push to stay awake and active and i readily admit that from 6pm onwards i am counting the minutes till I can climb into bed.

A lot of what i learned in hospital is helping me to a degree- still, i dont feel i have this beast completely conquored just yet- more like i have a tornado contained within a glass jar and anything could push that jar to breaking point; still, i am aware of this and working at staying safe.

This week sees me starting a course of therapy at Karana which is the outpatients part of Lingard Hospital. The course runs over 12 weeks for 3 hours per week and deals with acceptance and committment amongst other things.
I am going in blind really, not knowing what to expect but willing to give it a try. I also start with a psycologist this week and although my experiences with counselling have been less than productive in the past, i am open minded and willing to give it a try again.

Cottage life steams on.
A great committee who make everything so easy for me.
Far from dead and buried, the Cottage is enjoying a new, improved lease of life and we have some wonderful things planned in coming months.
Yes, we have suffered some losses but in the end it seems we are better for it as the space left vacant is filled with new enthusiastic energy.

The nest is a bit sad for now ( see previous post) and out of respect for my son and his girlfriend i will say no more other than we are all feeling their pain at this time.

Family is ok- both sisters seem happy with the choices they are making and that makes me happy- NOM Kristy is making us all proud as she juggles motherhood, study, career and facebook-luckily she has married a man who can cook and cook well so that is one thing she doesnt need to concern herself with too much.

I am fat but not getting fatter and that is about all I can say at the moment.

The Hounds continue to eat, crap and sleep with the occasional 'fit' thrown in for good measure by the labrador- we had another one two nights ago- almost five months to the day of her last one.

HOM loves hockey.
I love Supernatural.

I have no direction as yet other than to do what appears right in front of me, so for now, that will have to do.

Do i have anymore news ?
No, not really- I am very boring in fact- this is certainly the quietest period of my life so far;no burning passion, no driving goals- i am just coasting waiting for divine inspiration.

My wise guys have been talking, telling me about 'keys' in human form in response to a query i posed them regarding a friends son. There is more coming through and they want me to make it avaialble to everyone, so i will put the info here as soon as i have it.

for now, the hockey gear needs washing and the washing needs folding
I am OK
getting there
and grateful to each and everyone of you

sending continual love to Kay

blessed be xx

10.40am- just a tad sad

2010-05-23T10:45:00.000+10:00

We are a bit of a sad house at the moment.
My son's girlfriend lost her Mum to cancer a few days ago and ofcourse, the sadness around here is palpable.
Funeral is tomorrow.
Very sad indeed.
We are never old enough to lose our mothers.

12.57pm- mixed bag

2010-05-20T13:04:00.000+10:00

Am overwhelmed with love and sadness for SOM who finds himself in very mature waters indeed this day.

Am proud of his strength and sensitivity at this time.

All i can do is stand by and watch knowing i have given him the tools he needs to face lifes transitions.

Sadly, i cant take the pain away for him -if i could, i would.

Please send love and healing to my boy, his girlfriend and her family at this saddest of times.

Death is but a doorway........

11.49am- getting there

2010-05-19T11:52:00.000+10:00

Abcess started to rupture at 3am this morning and is still draining as i write............i tell you, BLISS.

Overall am feeling pretty good considering, still a bit of pain but at least now i can sit.

housework to do
shower to have

yes, im back feeling good

and that is good...........

have started a rose cottage page on face book and it is growing fast

must shower, feeling woofy

11.59am- blah blah blah

2010-05-18T12:00:00.002+10:00

yep, thats it..........
i've got nothing today...........

134pm- adjustment required

2010-05-17T13:52:00.000+10:00

adjustment required to my way of thinking on the matter of sleeping through the day

there needs to be some allowances made i have come to realise

like today for instance

Lichens is off the chart and i have an abcess that is not quite ready to burst, leaving me hot/cold, in pain and unable to do more than stand and lie down.

I am sitting on the edge of my seat writing this blog and going fast i will tell you.

So yes, allowances need to be made to allow for random acts of natural unkindness that see me sore and pitiful.

It is important to me that differentiate between physical illness and mental illness and i acknowledge that while i feel miserable and sad today and yesterday, i am NOT depressed- not at all.

If i took away the pain, fever and painkillers i know that my mood is good and stable.

unfortunatly, for now, i cant take those things away- so i will look after myself as my body demands and hopefully the abcess will 'come to a head' and burst in the next 24-48 hours. it is all down hill from there.

for today i have made the most of being able to stand and have conquored the mess of the nest to the best of my ability- i am downing a cup of honeygar each hour ( my all natural cure for everything) and now am planning to go back to bed because i hurt a-bloody-lot in my undies and back.

I have assured SOM and HOM that my need to lie down in comfort is not a return to old habits because i know that my depression is being well and truly managed at this stage.

Still, its hard for me to give in
but harder for me not too.

I might be a bit quiet for a day or two but dont stress- i am doing what i need to make myself better.

I missed the funeral this morning- unable to stay seated for the long drive into the valley, but i have lit a candle for my darling friend Kay and her family.

Bloody Lichens Sclorosis ( those who are unsure of this disease should do a 'google' if they are game)
damn dash lichens abcesses

cant sit any longer

sigh.....................

sadness is not depression
that i know is true

Lisa xxx

12.10pm - feeling

2010-05-15T12:21:00.000+10:00

how am i feeling ?

well, to be honest, the last few days have been a tad awful and i am a little scared that i am going backwards.

I have a touch of a cold- enough to make me feel hot/cold, tired and sore all over- my face is extra puffy and i am sculling honeygar by the gallon.

I dont feel well enough to actually do all the little things i have been doing to keep me on track and yesterday, i actually went to bed for an hour because i couldnt get warm or comfortable.

I would like to go back to bed now but i wont, though i might lie on the lounge for a while this afternoon.

I am still taking my meds but feel so down and scared I am going backwards- yesterday before lying down i rang Marc and told him what i was going to do because going to bed in the day time now feels so wrong, i felt i needed permission.

Today i am pretty much the same but soldiering on through it- i feel so full of fluid and bloated and at a loss as to what i should be doing.

We are having tea with Kristy and Kade tonight and i am looking forward to that.

Sigh........

I am in a bit of a holding pattern for now- no energy, just a bit blah........

a bit down too

me x

10.58am- I had a dream

2010-05-15T11:00:00.000+10:00

I had a dream

and it felt like heaven

through winding mountain roads

i travelled

young of body

yet wise of mind

i had a dream

my life divine

lisaballico14052010

241pm-today today today

2010-05-13T14:58:00.000+10:00

well, i dont know that i am ready to go back to teaching yet
i dont know that i will ever be actually
last night was ok but i felt very restricted by my speech
i tossed and turned all night
and so am very tired today
SOM has managed to infect not just one computer with viruses
but two computers
leaving me waiting for the repair man
with a blank chq in one hand
and my little laptop in the other
DOM is unwell with tonsilitis and is off work
i am still wearing my pj pants
and have created a huge pot of steaming vege soup
to nourish and nurture the nest dwellers
except for the teenstranger who looks at me like i am a tarantula
just for suggesting he try it.
sigh.................
teaching.......... I dont know where i stand on that front
not a clue
still
i still have some time to go before i need to make that choice
in my life and regardless of whether i teach or not
the Cottage will continue for as long as i have
people to help run it
hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sending love and healing to dear Kay and her family.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time xxx

12.05pm- pondering

2010-05-12T12:18:00.000+10:00

wondering why some people survive lifes challenges and it makes them more understanding, patient and compassionate while others survive and become hard, cold, indifferent
pondering how so many drape their lives in masks and veils
yes, i am a pondering today
wondering about life and the next step on my path
scared about going backwards
unable to stand still
yet not ready yet to move forward
a strange place i find myself in
working through the minutia
sorting out emotions

One thing i know for sure though

every so often you need to cut the ties that bind with certain people

because it is detrimental to your physical, emotional, spiritual health to continue on

emeshed in their energy.

It can be so hard to do but

oh, the doors it opens for you when you take that step

the energy it frees up

the progress you make

sometimes, we just need to be honest

and say

i dont need you /this anymore

and move on

from experience i know

that once you signal the Universe that you are ready to move forward

that you are ready to make space

for new understanding

new growth

new opportunities

it wastes no time in laying a path at your feet

sometimes

you just have to let go

7.22am- further to......

2010-05-11T07:25:00.000+10:00

shaking
shaking all over is me

i am thinking the hormone implant has finally kicked in
leaving me more than abit
pepped up

sorry to Jen & Deb

not able to drive like this

staying close to home today

5.39am- painful memories

2010-05-11T05:43:00.000+10:00

was awoken this morning at 4.30am with an onsaught of painful memories

memories of stuff that I had forgotten over the last few months

words, actions, looks have all come back to haunt me

things, people, emotions i didnt want to remember

situations i would rather forget

needless to say I am awake

trying to deal with the deluge of recall

sigh..........

2.46pm- mundane minutea

2010-05-10T14:54:00.000+10:00

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO tired............ but managed to survive Mothers Day with energy to spare.

Today I am one lucky mother with a clean, tidy house full of offspring and partners plus the odd little dog thrown in.

Chicken salad for tea me thinks.........nice and easy.

Appointment made with a psycologist for next week.

Everything rolling well.

Teenstrange SOM is rude and untidy, DOM is exhausted from the Mothers Day rush.

I am pacing myself as lying down is not an option- will be early to bed tonight though.

Yep, I am one boring girl these days

Boring but peaceful in my heart and mind.....

yep, life is good as can be right now.......

anamcara

12.31pm- fat day

2010-05-08T12:48:00.000+10:00

yes, my arms look like big rolls of salami tucked into baseball mitts but do i complain ?

ofcourse i do........groan, whinge, moan etc..........

So, I am busy, a hausfrau to the max today

washing sheets, vaccuuming, making bed, dusting and tidying

and

cooking too !!

May actually hear from Daya this afternoon too......... I am thinking about her, wondering how she is doing.

tomorrow is Mum's Day so i must take care of that

and i would like to sit down and read a bit too.

I watched AUSTRALIA last night and I really liked it " i sing you to me" sigh..............

HOM has been offered work in QUEENSLAND in the very near future, so we need to ponder that a little.

If you havent been to the Cottage for a while, please come along on Wednesday night- i am the facilitor for that nights group and i have some fun planned- the more people there the more fun will be had.

It has been really nice over the last couple of weeks to see some old faces return to the Cottage, i feel extremely blessed.

So enjoy your weekend.

Sending special love to Jen who has been the recipient of a wish come true this week.........it didnt happen over night, but it did happen !!!

........and PLEASE, spare a thought for my darling daughter PRUE this weekend.........as many of you know, PRUE is A FLORIST and so this week has been one of early mornings, late nights and running to keep up. She is exhausted, as are all florists on Mothers Day I would imagine............

'the love you share with others

is the love you have for yourself'

Nobel Lawson 2010

1.27pm- direction

2010-05-06T13:56:00.000+10:00

Feeling very blessed today.
The hormone implant from yesterday is not hurting too much at the moment which is a blessing.

Another adjustment to medication starts today- i am now taking 60mg Cymbalta every morning with 30mg of Avanza every evening- will know how i am going in a day or so with the increase of Cymbalta, but so far so good.

Most of the swelling and puffiness in my face and body has gone now just leaving me shame-faced with more than a few kilos to lose.

Still, i have no real direction for my life so far.

I have made a few choices that feel right such as the Cottage staying open and my choice to use the name Kassandra as my spiritual name from here on in rather than Raihn.

Most of my circle know i have used Kassandra for a while now during ritual but i have decided it is time to really utilize its strength and magic- besides, Kassandra Raihn is nice and i need a bit of nice around me.

One of the worst parts of being sick in hospital was the feelings of ugliness and dirtiness that i experienced early on during my stay.
I couldnt stand to look at myself, i felt my image was so abhorant- i removed all of my jewellery and spent many hours scrubbing myself and my face trying to get clean.
I felt that every awful thing that had been said about me, MUST be true and so my answer was to cleanse myself literally- i couldnt look at myself........it was a very bad time and one I never want to go through again.

My hair grew out a bit during my hospital stay and i couldnt wait to get a hair cut but when i got home i found i quite like the way it falls now and so have decided to keep it longer for a while.

So apart from the choices about the Cottage, my spiritual name and my hair i am yet to make any real solid connections to 'where do i go from here'

I just dont know but I am trusting that an answer will come in one form or another.

For now I am enjoying the down time and saying 'yes' to every opportunity that comes my way as long as it doesnt put me at risk- I am in a 'one' year so my new direction is sought with the energy of the universe behind it.

A lot of old friends have come back into my life via Facebook- what a wonderful little networking tool Facebook is when used the right way.

Last night at 'Around the Cauldron' was big night.
Congratualtions to all involved.

Next week I am doing ATC..............shaking in my boots I am but it will be lovely to catch up with my peeps- i dont have a topic yet, but will let you all know.

So..to sum up........

i am feeling good

blessed be xxx

10.21am- updating my list

2010-05-06T10:25:00.000+10:00

please leave me your blog address so i can add it to the sidebar............

thats all for today

i am a cyclone of massive proportions at the moment..............

'the past is done, you will never touch it again'

Nobel Lawson 2010

11.37am- this day, this day

2010-05-05T11:43:00.000+10:00

today I am

waiting to hear about my sister's tattoo repair work
washing sheets
doing accounts
making Nobel her own Facebook page
thinking alot
having my hormone replacement implant done
recovering
healing
feeling
in gratitude
waiting to hear from Michelle
blow drying my hair with a roll brush to look touselled like my sissy
wondering about David Boreanaz and how people can be so gullible
thinking about parentals and parental in laws
mixing with old school friends
enjoying feeling well
chewing watermelon gum

4.34pm- Gaia Oracle

2010-05-04T16:47:00.000+10:00

My latest set of cards- beautiful- a birthday gift from my parental units.

Lunch with assorted sisters Kerry & Sharon- very nice.

Home, waiting for the rain to fall.

****

Have given myself over to the healing process

no rushing, no time constraints

Just allowing my body, mind and soul to rejuvinate,

heal

in its own perfect time.

I am well but have a while to go before i am completely healed

taking small steps

doing for me

what must be done

setting routines

making this about me

at my own pace

***

little achievements mean such a lot to me

going out for lunch, stayng awake throughout the day

introducing my random lifestyle to its routine counterpart

slowly does it

***

i feel confidant that the medications i am now on

are at last the right balance

I still feel the depression there, in the background

ready to reach out long , dark fingers and drag me back down should i allow it too

it is waiting for an opening

and i am working hard to deny it one

***

Speech has improved somewhat

and so has my outlook

***

I am looking for what is next

but not worrying because i cant find it

it will come, it will come

time is my friend

***

1.46pm- bittersweet

2010-05-03T13:58:00.000+10:00

It has been a bittersweet weekend but things are looking up for sure.

I am well underway with new medication on top of the reduced amount of the medication i was placed on in the hospital- and although i dont want to say it too loud, i will whisper that I think finally, we have found a balance !

Yippee!

Today i am a slave to the housework but everything is under control.
I also drove today for the first time in about 7 weeks, so i am happy with that.

Life is going well my friends- i am very far removed from the girl of a couple of months ago who was in so much pain.

It seems like a life time ago.

Georgia dropped by yesterday and the Witches Kitchen on Saturday night was wonderful.

I am now up to about three weeks without sleeping through the day- I am sleeping only of a night time after 9pm.
I do notice I am waking up a bit later than i was before but i would say that is a mix of my body getting used to the new routines and the Avanza medication.

Deva Premal is divine and I am doing 'around the cauldron' on May 12th...we are aalso looking at painting the old reading room and darling Maryme has offered to hang her art in there...woo hoo..........

So, I am currently writing up my notes from hospital- i really only wrote in the first couple of weeks, so it is helping me to remember those dark days.

Enjoy today, catch me on facebook if you like...........

anamcara

10.21am- the beat goes on.........

2010-05-02T10:30:00.001+10:00

Officially announcing that Rose Cottage will continue on past the 30/06/2010.

I will be involved but to what extent remains to be seen.

I feel I have taught all I have to teach so will wait and see what the Universe has in store for me.

We are starting new times people- fresh, exciting times.

We need a TaiChi instructor ( willing to take through the week daytime classes) and a Yoga teacher willing to do the same.

We are also seeking readers.

Yep, in High St, the beat goes on.............

Huge thanks to my wonderful committee and the wonderful Rose Cottage Community for love, support and encouragement.........

Last night was wonderful and it can only get better...................

me xx
ANAMCARA

9.22am- feeeling questionable

2010-05-01T09:32:00.000+10:00

upside down
round and round
so are the days of our lives

there is a lot going on in my 40 something mind

i have started on a low dose of Cymbalta antidepressant today
and so have elected not to go to Tocal Agricultural Fair
rather to stay here in the nest and take it easy

he said, she said
and you know
none of it really matters

a witches kitchen tonight
and i am planning on being there

i am also cooking
tomato, lentil and bacon soup

yesterday was nice for this was swollen bubble of a woman
lunch with Maryme
who assisted me greatly by buckling my shoes

followed by a 'pop in with coffee'
from Deborah and Maureen
and yes,
it was very nice to see them
very nice indeed

dont be alone this weekend
come along to the Witches Kitchen tonight
starting at 6pm
bring a plate to share
and remember,
there are readings for $5 with Natalie
wow
I am having one indeed

he said, she said
in the end
it doesnt really matter, does it ?

Lisa xx

10.35am-fat girl slim

2010-04-29T10:46:00.000+10:00

a very long visit with my dr yesterday
appetite is way out of control, although i am trying hard to eat healthy
i feel very bloated and uncomfortable
finding it hard to find clothes that fit my pregnant hippo body
groan...........
pity party is me.............

so i will take it slow today
knowing that down days are part of the journey
am so tired
and need a shower

listening to Deva and Miten
feeling out of the loop
left out
hoping today will soon be over

please

Lisa
anamcara

1103am- Cottage Happenings....................

2010-04-28T11:04:00.000+10:00

Rose Cottage will be holding our Samhain

ritual this Wednesday 28 April

at 7pm and we’d like to invite

everyone who is free on this evening to

join us.

Samhain is seen as the witches New

Year and holds such great energy and

power, which we will be working with

during our ritual. As an open circle,

prior attendance at a Rose Cottage

ritual is NOT a requirement, which

makes this a fantastic opportunity to

experience a ritual celebration of one of

the greater sabbats in a safe and

welcoming environment.

Colours of Samhain are black, orange

and red so, where possible, please dress

with respect for ritual. The cost of the

evening is $10 and you’re welcome to

bring a plate to share for supper

afterwards.

The next Witches Kitchen is almost

upon us! This Saturday will see us

gathering together to share in some

good food and great company for a

social evening at The Cottage.

For those who are not familiar with

what a Witches Kitchen at The

Cottage is, you can find all the details

you need to know on the Witches

Kitchen page on our website (http://

r os e cot tage .we ebly. com/wi t ches -

kitchen.html) but in short it really is

just our hip, cool and witchy way of

referring to a “pot luck” style dinner.

Guests are asked to arrive from 6pm

with a plate to share for dinner, which

will be served at 6.30pm. There is NO

financial donation requested for the

evening; however, for this Witches

Kitchen we will be offering $5 tarot

readings and healing sessions from

7.30pm for those who may be

interested. People who aren’t able to

make it for dinner are still welcome to

come for one of these great value

readings or healings.

Everyone is welcome to attend so if

you’re new to The Cottage, this is a

wonderfully relaxed opportunity to

stop by, introduce yourself and meet

some of the other Cottage regulars.

This is also a fantastic evening for

those who haven’t had a chance to get

back to The Cottage for a while so if

you’re free it would be wonderful for

you to join us, too.

Our Tarot Circle started back this week

and already promises to be a fun-filled

and very educational group where we

work on unravelling both the mysteries

of the tarot as well as the mysteries of

ourselves! This group is for anyone

who is interested in tarot and is a

great class to bring a friend along to.

The cost of the class is just $10 and

includes all class notes as well as tea

and coffee.

Looking forward to seeing you at The Cottage!

10.47am- unprepared

2010-04-28T10:53:00.001+10:00

all the preparation in the world has not prepared me for waking up with a killer headache

i am no longer suppose to take codiene through the day, or sleep through the day and so how am i suppose to manage this ?

I see my Dr this afternoon
I am out of coffee
i need a shower
and am picking the boy up- my first drive in weeks
doing accounts too

unprepared for migraine
thats me

Lisa x
anamcara

1202pm-today

2010-04-27T12:16:00.000+10:00

i am still so very sore all over- even my skin hurts- when i was in hospital i believed the soreness came from being idle and weight gain and assumed it would decrease when i resumed normal activities but it has'nt and now i am concerned it could be the Avanza.

Will see Phillipa tomorrow and find out one way or another.

Still living day by day, actually hour by hour, am very sore and this makes me look and feel like i am moving in slow motion.

Have achieved today- had a pop in, tidied up, answered emails, listened to
Jackson and honestly, i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Tired i could drop, but i wont, i wont.

I will keep on moving on, collaborating with this illness instead of competing with it- there is more value in that i believe.

I am living and am grateful for that.

anamcara
treat everything, everyone as a friend

Lisa x

143pm stuff, stuff, stuff

2010-04-26T14:32:00.001+10:00

"forgiveness comes when we acknowledge the humanity in another"

Nobel Lawson 2010

well, i have been a busy girl today.

have finally ventured over to rose cottage and WOW i was knocked sideways by the feel of love that permeates every single inch of it............i have never, ever, seen it looking as good as it does now and i really dont know who to thank first................the cottage girls and the committee have repaired the hurt in me, with a show of love i never expected, never dared hope for..................thank you so much.

Facebook has taken on new wings too, with me catching up with some old faces from my years at Waratah High; essentially, for me as a person, they were not great years, i so struggled with being a child/teenager- i was always kind of mis matched at school and so i am enjoying the chance to re acquaint with certain people as adults. it is wonderful. really.

Cooking, yes, i have been and it has been nice to get back into my kitchen after a six week break- the slow cooker is out of its enforced early retirement and is slow cooking as we speak.........have refreshed my psyche with a couple of hours of classic Jackson Browne.

YEP, i am doing okay today.

HOM is looking for a new work car/ute/truck but so far no luck - all todays cars seem to be too small for my man, who is a strapping big guy as you well know.

Speech is still a major issue.................anxiety makes it worse but over all, i am blippy all the time.

Living with it as i need to do.

Writing.

my enthusiasim of yesterday waned under the pressure to produce and with the soreness of my all-over body however, i do intend to do some writing very soon- its busting out of me and i really need to put pen to paper to empty this old head of mine.

YES, I am open to pop-in's. The front door is open. All are welcome.

I am in the process of setting routines which is a process that goes against the inner Lisa, yet i know it is essential to my recovery and continued well being.

Healthy sleep routines are a big part of that.

So, that's me for today.

Anamcara

Lisa xxx

1211pm- being back

2010-04-25T12:30:00.000+10:00

being back home makes me aware of the great change that life has shown me over the last six months
i am not ready to drive yet, but have an open door to pop in's
my new medication AVANZA is a night time medication that helps me sleep, so that is good
it also has the LEAST debilitating side effects- like i said in yesterdays post, i am very sensitive to drugs of any description, so to get a medication that keeps me in the 'good' spot and has no side effects is a hard ask
Avanza makes me retain fluid ( so am bloated) and therefore all my joints ache. I also have a light ongoing headache that seems to spike at certain times too
speech is a pain but is cetainly tied into anxiety
which i need to avoid at all costs
and i have gain weight in grand style
I have a plan, stratagies to help me cope with life as it is
and am planning a belated birthday party for EVERYONE one Saturday in May, but need firrst to check with my committee as to when the Cottage is available
it will be a drop in wine and cheese party
for anyone who wants to catch up

for now i am eating pasta for lunch and just about to put some vegies in the slow cooker for tea.

i am ok
but
very different to who i was
what i was
six months ago

i hope you still like me

Lisa xxx

I feel like writing !!!
wow !

111pm-catch up

2010-04-24T13:37:00.000+10:00

Well, life certainly does go on.
I am home and blessed to be so.

the last six weeks has been one of transition and education, of learning just who matters, what matters and why.

i have indeed been touched by angels of all varieties- family, friends, other patients, medical staff.

i never knew so many people cared, i still struggle to understand the overwhelming love and thoughtfulnesss directed at me.

Thank YOU..................

So, am i well ?

to be honest i would say i am holding fast at 6/10

I have away to go yet,BUT, I am supported and so YES I feel very positive about my future health.

and thats about it for now in regards to health- i have a long road ahead but i feel positive, feel medicated, feel full of hope.

i have appointments and follow ups to help keep me on path plus the support of my family, friends and medical team to help me going forward.

I have had a few medical 'bleeps' trying to get the balance right- i react a lot to medications, a huge sensitivity problem which caused a few false starts, however i am now on medication that suits, plus a therapy plan and stratagies i have to keep in place to stop me slipping back into the abyss.

The Cottage has not been given much thought and i think it will be a while yet before i make any choices- the committee has kept everything in place and running and for now that will have to surfice.

I have no idea about what happens next- none.............

So, thats me for now.

Very tired and bloated, very lethargic.

Just me for now, needing to go ahead without question, just learning to live again in completion.

it will be a journey indeed but i am armed well

a huge thank you to all who took the time to drop me a line or drop me a visit during the last six weeks...............it was indeed black down there but i never lost faith, not for one second.

blessed indeed

pop in's welcome anytime as long as you can take me as you find me

love always

1049 am home

2010-04-24T10:49:00.002+10:00

yep, at last !

11.58am- home for a few hours

2010-04-18T12:12:00.000+10:00

I am home for a few hours today- having a BBQ lunch with MIL & FIL- have had a visit from FOM and am with SOM & HOM.

Feeling blessed to be here and out of hospital, even if it is for a short while- have had major medication drama's this week resulting in new meds being started- maybe Tuesday or Friday will see me home from hospital for good but i said that last week too........... groan...............

I am blessed to be visited every day by friends and sisters who feel the pain i have been going through- i have done a lot of drawing and a bit of writing in hospital but will need to scan in before i can share.

I am ready to be home full time-have had enough of hospital- have gained a massive amount of weight due to massive appetite due to massive drug intake- still, i am a much healthier girl than i was six weeks ago.

The Cottage ?
I have been over and had a look today and honestly, i dont know where i stand with it. 'overwhelming' seems to be the word that fits best for now- i just dont know.

Dont have computer access in hospital ( my choice) so will blog again when i am home next.

At this stage, i am living one day at a time,hour by hour...................

thank you all for your continued support- it will not be forgotten.

anamcara

Lisa xx

11.55am.........at HOME today !

2010-04-10T12:34:00.000+10:00

MY first blog post in goodness knows how long.

I have been in hospital for the last 4 weeks.
Today I am on my third straight 'stable day' and am spending it refamiliarising myself with my nest and the nest dwellers and my place here.
I will do the same tomorrow, even though HOM has a hockey game, i will come home from hospital for a while.

Still cant bring myself to visit the Cottage as yet and so am taking little steps- just what has transpired for me over the last month would be an arduous task to attempt to explain right now and so I wont try- those of you closest to me will already know anyway.

Lets just say that that the last four weeks have been an answered prayer for me- for the longest time i have known that my depression, medication, speech, eating and sleeping, has been spiralling out of control but when you are caught in the whirlwind , very often you cant see what needs to change, let alone how to change it- you just know that change is needed, and that change has been the direction of all my prayers for many months.

It took a crisis to answer my prayers and for that crisis and the subsequent care that has followed i am eternally grateful.

I have had so many cards, calls, letters, visitors, gifts over the last few weeks- so much concern for my well beiing, that i cant quite grasp the words to explain it and the effect it has had on me.

The truest spirit of friendship/family/sisterhood and love has shone through and I have no doubt about where i stand in the lives of those i call my friends.

Blessed I am,to be given so clear a picture of my importance in your world.

HOM, SOM, DOM have supported me 100% during my crisis- my Husband is one in a million amongst men, of that i and everyone close to me have no doubt. He has not missed one day in visiting me in hospital and done everything in his power to keep all stress triggers far from reaching me- a policy i intend to stick to when i am fully discharged next week.

The Cottage will under go some big changes i feel- now that i have had the time to sort through my feelings towards it and where i stand with it, i see it now as it is, one of my major stress triggers and that is the honest truth- still, i have a wonderful committee and we will soon work out the status of Rose Cottage.

THANK YOU for caring- i am still very fragile and as mentioned earlier, am only on my third stable day in a row on my new medication, so there is still a way to go- but i will do it for sure. SLOWLY.

Your love and support has been,is, so appreciated,
I hope to catch up with you all soon .

anamcara, Lisa xx

902am-stuff

2010-03-15T09:15:00.000+11:00

Forgiveness is required to be able to find true harmony-if you cant forgive, you cant let go and letting go is so important in the general scheme of things.

i am as always, a mixed bag of emotions but i dont understand why.

do any of us really ?

what makes you more worthy of forgiviness than me ?

why do we continue to search OUTSIDE ourselves for answers, when the tuth is there, in our heart and knowing all the time?

why do we treat people the way we are sure they would treat us?

anger, lack of forgiviness and fear of losing power will cost you dearly.

dont wait for the winner to be announced, there is none- we all lose here.

hopefully, we all gain as well.

i have learned that a real teacher puts her commitment to her group before her own needs- i have seen it happen, enabled it to happen.

i have learned, that in the long run, it is just not important.

555pm-up and running

2010-03-14T18:10:00.000+11:00

It is nice to have the blog functioning again for my selected audience of 30 people.
It is also Michelle's birthday, so if you see her, give her a lick for me.
I have managed to make all the writing on my computer vey little, itty bitty, tiny and dont know how to fix it- can someone help please ?

Last nights dedication for ANA went extremely well- the PTB blessed us with a very beautiful, rainy night and our golden girl looked STUNNING.

We are trusting TODDY who can make all things huge to come through with some photos and some BONES in the near future.

Life is pretty good in general- tolerance is the key and forgivness vital.

I am back to being just Lisa, which is nice because i am nice despite what ever it is that you may hear.

A huge thank you to Jo McKay
to Serena
and to my wonderful husband
who has saved my life twice today.

DAYA- i love you xxxxxx

12.32pm- after

2010-03-14T12:37:00.000+11:00

the light at the end of every tunnel

is an Angel named Faith.

Dont lose sight of Her.

She grows as you approach.

She is real

true

even from the furtherest distance imaginable

She is there, and you may need to squint

but you will see her calling , beckoning you forward

FAITH

my guiding light

Thank YOU

537pm- before i snooze

2010-03-11T17:45:00.000+11:00

Instructions:
The post is a list of 99 random things.
Bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Tasmania

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Sea World

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Went to the top of Centrepoint Tower

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow man

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen the Murray River in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited Uluru

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Been to a jail

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favourite childhood toy

70. Visited the War Memorial in Canberra

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood on the steps of the Sydney Opera House

74. Toured the Great Ocean Road

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Kimberleys in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited Parliament House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. someone’s life Saved

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Dog on the Tuckerbox in person

96. Swam in the ocean

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a mobile phone

99. Been stung by a bee

1.56pm -bald son

2010-03-11T14:03:00.000+11:00

My son is going bald today for cancer.
The cherub curls will soon be history, probably are at this minute
He has raised well over $200.

Coffee with Jen and Deb this morning- very nice- Deb has made me the most beautiful little BOS for all my Nobel Lawson quotes- its stunning.

I am just tired, a big few days coming up but a least its cool

blessed be xx

doesnt Jared have a great booty ?

311pm- why

2010-03-10T15:12:00.002+11:00

i appear to have been disowned
why

834am-recovering

2010-03-10T08:44:00.000+11:00

hating all words that end in 'x'
sitting up late to watch Buffy because SN4 was in DOM's room.
admitting to feelings of anger, resentment
at being the first to blame and the last to know
pissed off supremely with the 'black eyed witch'
horrible Wednesday
sun is shining
warm,
BUT its TAFE day which means i am a mother on the run
and so too bad if im not feeling very well..

ok, vent over
and btw
i dont believe in psychic attack
so would be the last to use it wouldnt i ?

why do i continuously expect people to blame me ?
why is it always my fault ?

1213pm-vampire me

2010-03-09T12:19:00.000+11:00

tonsiltis-blergh
hot cold
feeling guilty as hell
but also grateful that
i got started on antibiotics early this time

i am trying to have coffee numero uno for the day and will soon attempt a shower, sheetchange and making rissoles.
we all have our everests to climb

SOM hates me

740am- sex , intimacy and love

2010-03-08T08:01:00.000+11:00

they are all different you know
sometimes you are blessed and hit a combination of two or three
and other times
you are just left chasing the impossible dream of all three
all the time
like in the movies

most of us have all three to some degree
occasionally we even have a couple with the same person
but the truth be told
sex
intimacy
love
are three entirely different and seperate actions

we have created a standard that is impossible to attain
or if per chance
attained
nearly impossible to maintain

its why people can be inlove with their partners
yet seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere
seek the intimacy that comes with close friendship etc

my thoughts
never allow yourself to target the unobtainable with thoughts of never settling for less
never enter a relationship thinking that you will change another persons core beliefs
never feel you have failed because you cant be all to someone
or someone cant be all to you

i dont know why i felt the need to get this out this morning
i'm at a point in my book
where the lines dividing the three are blurry or at least starting to blur

i always taught mmy kids that in life some things would be 'similar but not the same'
and i stand by that
how many of us confuse love for sex
sex for intimacy
intimacy for love etc.

given that
i dont know that i LOVE a lot of people
i feel close to, affectionate towards
but the people i love are not necessarily the people i am intimate with or have sex with.

mmmm food for thought
this guy on the right
he is sex
just incase there are any doubts
and there shouldnt be xx

1155am-bliss

2010-03-07T12:08:00.000+11:00

the nest is empty and therefore QUIET
i am writing and sucking strepsils cause my throat hurts

im questioning the vadility of my feelings and realising the depth of anger i have stored with in me

i am also relising that i have been taken for a fool for at least the last six months

witches kitchen was as usual a great success

i am re examing the word hate and knowing for sure i am capable of it for periods of 'instance'- not wanting to think what it would do to a soul if stored for a prolonged period of time.

we do all realise that the power of a spell lies in the mind of both the spellcaster and the intended victim?

much of spellcraft is power of suggestion

we do know that dont we ?

dont we ?

1149am family life

2010-03-06T12:31:00.000+11:00

belief is precious.
my thoughts on the subject dont co-oralate too much any more
trying to put together thoughts on a subject that changes instantly
word by word
thought by thought

i have made huge changes
huge sacrifices
huge, massivily, huge realisations that has seen me climb mountains i never thought i would scale.

boy, have i done some growing and it hasnt all been pleasant at all
because people tell you for years about other people and you refuse to believe
and then that person justifies every negetive comment i have ever heard about her.

so, i beleive in making as few oaths, bonds and vows to people as possible but i also beleive in my own inner abilitiies to break such vows as i choose.

last week i chose
and yes, i am better for it.

can i get one thing straight ?
i am of the earth
not the astral, nor the spiritual at this time
the earth
and as such i honour my self by staying
of the earth
i dont meddle in the work of other dimensions
i stick to the streets i know

a witch is earth bound
dealing with earth
and what is happening here and now
in our own back yards

the power of being a woman
is too immense to even try to exxplain
other than its huge by what ever label you call yourself

I believe that the ego of man sends us searching for false prophets
guru's
etc
the ego of man
will always send us OUTSIDE of ourselves looking for answers
because it ( the ego) knows that if you discover the truth,
the real truth
that YOU hold your own answers
WITHIN
then Ego can be defeated.

how many of us are having our buttons pushed by others? being directed, manuvered by someone seeking enlightenment from a course or a book or a guru.

its worth always looking at the bigger picture- i am blessed to have that ability in my earthly tool kit- to step outside and see whats going on and where it will eventually fit in and boy does that make me unpopular at times.

i am also capable of trusting with all my heart so that i find myself completely blind swiped when the truth is made clear to me.

i am learning from all, being all i can be.
i am not impulsive, spontanious and therefore probably not a whole barrell of laughs.
i am not dishonest but only have my own perception to draw on.

I am just Lisa, knowing that anywhere other than within me holds no answers.

No blame.
I can see the bigger picture.

8.43am- WHY ??

2010-03-03T08:49:00.000+11:00

This is why i have removed myself from Facebook, Blogger and changed my email address:

From:

Sent: Monday, 1 March 2010 5:58:19 PM
To: lisaballico@hotmail.com

know this is old stuff but this has hurt me to the core,is this my karma lisa,well thanks,so when do you get yours,i never thaught that you thaught i was such a discusting person,im to sick to discuss this anymore,im going to a full moon ritual tonite and you will be released from me once and for all, your name will never be spoken from my lips.omg you are so nasty you should not be teaching anything or anyone.may the goddess protect all who enters your life.

When you receive emails like this from your 'friends', it kind of puts you into self-protect mode.

9.19pm- the broken bonds

2010-03-02T21:21:00.000+11:00

i broke my bonds of sisterhood tonight with selected people.
i released, forgave, asked forgiveness and made known good and proper that i am now released on all levels from those who seek to harm me.
it was hard
but needed

5.34pm- can this just stop now ?

2010-02-26T17:35:00.002+11:00

Please.

11.39am- who can i trust?

2010-02-26T12:11:00.000+11:00

I am saddened to find my words repeated OUT OF CONTEXT to someone who has taken them the wrong way.

Life for me is going very well, but its not smoooth sailing with every iceberg in the ocean attacking my ship.

Today, I undertand why people take their lives and NO I am not going to, so dont stress- it just seems that every step forward i make takes me two steps backwards.

Every word i say is now scrutinised before i say it, looking for possible misinterpretations- still i managed to miss this one.

I feel very sad and alone right now- Rose Cottage was built to bring people together not tear them apart and yet, here i stand , alone.

All I want for the girls that have left is for them to find happiness and i know i am going through a transition phase and it will pass.

Just so that everyone knows, Renata and I are on good terms. This is her time to stand out and do her own thing and i am so proud to see her do that- she deserves happiness and five years with me at Rose Cottage is enough. We have discussed her new business and I am thrilled to see her take this step- the Cottage will do everything it can to support both her and Diana as they work towards their goals-we will promote and refer to them and all they set out to achieve. They are both excellent teachers.

Yes, I have lost dearly in the last few months, but no more dearly than my own self esteem and self worth- i basically went from being part of a group to rebuilding a dream within a week and yes, it has taken its toll.

I am not seeking sympathy, simply understanding, that i am approachable and my doors remain open to anyone who cares to walk through them.

In as much as i am capable, i truly loved these girls and their parts in my life and because of this i understand totally their own need to fly now, spread their wings- just as i myself have done in the past.

Rose Cottage will go on, make no mistake about that- i would never turn away anyone seeking what we have to offer.

I apologise for being the human being that i am- a human being who is apparently so deplorable that even those so very close will have nothing to do with me, turn away, avoid my name. It is the Curse of perception

This all started in December between Diana and myself- the amount of people who have gotten involved, had a say, taken sides has left me speechless.
Diana was speaking her truth and she did it to my face- she will always have my respect and love for that.

Diana and i are now OK and i want the best for her and Renata- both of whom have given me the best over the years.

I needed to get this down in writing today- the pain is so bad and i know its part of it but it still sucks.

I am empty now.
Devoid
of past relationships
terrified of new ones

Rose Cottage is not closing- NOT.

Thank You for listening.

9.12am - ?

2010-02-26T09:17:00.000+11:00

Some big things happening- I am very happy.
No one from the 'old' Cottage group seems to miss me too much proving once again that the time is right for major change.

Life is Okay guys
I am off to see Tim Minchen and that should be great.
I am also a cuppa with Michelle.

then, who knows..........